You still haven't come to my class. Aren't you in Santa Barbara now? In your big house with your fabulous dogs? I'm just a hop, skip, jump and 60 miles from you now. WAAAY closer than Chicago.

But alas, I still wait for you.

I am patient.

However, I'm phasing out this blog for 'yoga' and keeping it as my place to vent personally.

Of course, yoga is my life, personally and professionally so it will cross over. But the lessons from my classes will now be on my new blog, www.LadyYoga.org.

As I turn more and more into a superhero...in my head at least, with the mission to make yoga and fitness accessible to all beings everywhere regardless of physical, emotional and schedule limitations, I'm faced with my own kryptonite and I need a place for Laurie to get out what she needs here.

Like how I use myself in the third person?...so - my alter ego can soar in teaching on my other blog.

But here, I need to let go of the other side.

It's interesting, the last couple of weeks have been really trying for me.

From serious family issues to tremendous abundance and support for what I do to the decadent introduction of 'a life', friends and maybe even a boy, I am forced to decide and balance.

Can one, have it all?

I think so. I think, if one is living passionately, one CAN have it all.

I often think about how many hours I 'work' and think, this is crazy. I put in 12-18 hour days every day and that doesn't always include driving time.

I have over three thousand friends on facebook, am around people all day and come home alone to my ritual of watching stand up comedy on netflix and laughing till I fall asleep.

Ok, I really like that ritual. Like alot. But I'm alone.

But who isn't, really.

I am making good money and am finding the pendulum swing from scarcity just several months ago to abundance now.

I like being a witness to that. I like to see that even if things fall off and I find myself feeling scared for money or survival, scared for my health and sanity, in pain physically and emotionally, that, by living my truth, the 'universe' if you will, comes out with jazz hands and musical crescendo to support what I am doing.

I will not be lost for long.

Fear, a normal human emotion, comes out and says, HOARD!!

You had everything...did you know?

You have nothing...now you know.

You have everything again...do you know? Do you really want this lesson again?

In rebuilding, you say yes to everything because you are afraid it will all disappear again.

Our lessons repeat themselves till they are learned and then it's on to the next lesson.

I'm here now, back in black and have to learn that if I conserve my energy, time and money, if I end up at a loss down the line, the universe will guest star again, enter stage right in my life with boa, glitter, streamers, big musical number with full orchestra and chorus line, provide and exit stage left. Tears will be daubed and I will be better again.

Intermission.

I won't bore you with my 'losses' over the last three years. You will have to read the archived blogs for that. But its been rough.

I've been fueled by the energy of survival for long enough.

I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing and taking what the universe is providing.

And doing it with a smile...and jazz hands...and a few wimpers to my mom.

We had a recent trial in our family that brought us close together again in support and I realized how blessed I am. We don't know what other people's trials are. Sometimes, we need to be a witness to others trials to know how much strength we have to support one another and put our own lives in perspective.

I thank my extended family, tears and laughter and fear aside to realize that at the end of the day, the most important thing we as people have is our relationships. I love my family like air that I breathe and water that I drink. And yet, I am so far from them.

When word spread of the recent trial in our family, I immediately abandoned 'my' issues and started arranging a flight home to help.

It didn't come to that, but it helped me realize that again, at the end of the day, the rest of the bs in life means nothing if family, friends or loved ones are in need.

It made me look at my life and told me, get a freekin' handle on your s-it.

Seriously. Stop stressing about this and that and do what you feel most passionately about, pain and suffering aside...and you will be rewarded.

Do what you are here to do and put all of the rest of the stuff in a bag and throw it out in the dumpster.

And then there are the girlfriends that I need so desperately to laugh with and keep canceling plans with because my clients and bank accounts come first. I wake up earlier because a client has a doctors appointment. I cancel my doctor's appointment because a client has carpool that day and forgot. I cancel a date because I get an audition for one line in a show that's supposed to get canceled next week and spend hours preparing to be treated like crap.

I still want all of my dreams and I will keep showing up and waking up to every single dream I have.

But, I want a life to and I will be hard pressed not to fight for that as much as I fight to bring yoga and fitness to others. I need it too and if I don't get it for myself, what will I have left for others.

If I don't start now, I will end up empty.

I thank my ex for that. If that didn't end, I would never realize how important it is to BE with someone who you mutually respect.

I'm lucky that my inspiration for life has not run dry.

I thank my dad for that.

His dimmed light made me more fired up to burn towards every goal and dream I refuse to give up on...even since I was a little girl being carried in his arms up to bed at night at five years old.

I love that man like chocolate and he was a fighter at heart.

I thank 'that family' for that.

If I didn't work so passionately for years with such a high profile family that I loved, trained, breathed with, stretched with, grew with and cared for only to be 'let go' like a temporary receptionist, I would never have learned how to let go and not take things personally because of their issues.

I thank my mom for that and another one of my clients...for talking me off the ledge of self doubt to realize that people have issues that, no matter how much you love them, they need to work through on their own, even if they love you back.

My mother continues to blaze forward and inspire me like no other. She's my white Oprah and if it wasn't for her, I would be asleep in my bed right now. Ok, she is the one telling me to go to sleep, but her belief in everything I'm doing, keeps me up at night inspired, creative and fueled.

My client, whom I have trained and taught yoga to since I started on my journey here in LA, has been MY greatest teacher. Her husband told me today as I taught them a 21st year anniversary together, that I have made her a better person and I though to myself, I wonder if she knows how much of a better person I am from HER lessons.

And my cousin, Sue. She is one of the reasons I am where I am today.

When I was a fat little kid, I always looked to her talent and drive and inspiration and humor. She drove me towards art, towards creativity, towards laughter, towards CHANGE and DIFFERENCE and standing out and being bold and taking chances and being myself.

And Lady Yoga. She came from nothing. She came from a place where the well had run dry for Laurie, moi. I had nothing left to give and had to turn to something. Lady Yoga came from that dark, sad place inside that told me, even with nothing to show, I have everything inside to give and no one can take that away. We are all superheroes and sometimes we need everything taken away from us to see that. We need pain, darkness, sadness and solitude to see, we have everything inside.

If it wasn't for Lady, Sue, Mom, Dad, the ex, I wouldn't be a comic book superhero. I hope you know that.

And if it wasn't for him, that dark knight. That guy who came out of no where. My friend, my confident, the guy who says I inspire him, that I wouldn't be writing this now, fighting for the release in my life, the ability to allow my light to dim a little into relaxation and enjoyment, telling me that I need to turn it down some so I can turn it up more later.

Thank you.

For all of those people that I love and that continue to love me in dark and light, thank you. Thank you for being there for ME so that I can be here for you and pass it on.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I hope I can do the same for you.

So be, in all of your phases, pain, triumphs and failures. Please continue to be a source so we can be that light and spread it around.

And Oprah, come to my damn class already.

Yours,

Laurie Searle and ladyyoga.org