Dear Oprah,
FYI, you did not coin the term Ah-hah moment. Just sayin'.
I practice several times weekly with this tremendous teacher in Santa Monica. I love him. The first time I went to his class I said to him, 'Where have you been all my life.' He is that great.
However...
When I was in his class this past week he made some jokes and scolded me on not being able to get into a pose, a certain arm balance. Har-umph!
I thought to myself, just weeks ago, I could only dream of getting here. I am working on this pose and here I am, holding it.
Yea me...
but then he pipes in...no. no, yea you.
Ok, It's not perfect, but it's close, so shut it.
And then I thought, hmmmm, I like everyone, am so often being looked at by many with an eye that says this is how to do it better. This is not enough. It is so rare that we ever, if I ever get a, you are doing a great job, keep it up.

I started going through the filofax of my memory thinking of all of the things I've worked hard for and it's always been...hard.
It's hard enough for me to accomplish things without being hard on myself, to have more people weighing heavily on me, feels, well, fucking heavy.

Where did the encouragement go?

Where did nurturing go?

I'm a middle child so both of those things were sparse for me.

But, as a teacher, I feel it's important to encourage a student for where they are at and the potential for where they are to go next...in their own time.

I think yoga and life has come to a point where we are always looking beyond where we are to the place where we should be.
What about where we are?

Especially in yoga, where it is all about being in the present moment.

Sometimes, in the present moment, I am a beginner. I am in my first yoga class. I am stressed out and can't hold a pose without getting frustrated or confused. The last thing I need is for someone else to point that out.

I need to be told it's ok.

It's ok to be where I'm at right now.

We all could be better, faster, stronger, prettier, skinnier.

We all could be.

But sometimes, we are not where we want to be. We are at where we are at. We are not perfect. And that is...ok.

Sometimes, we are in our yoga practice to work out things that are going on in our bodies and our minds.

That is why I am not a big fan of 'partnering' up in a yoga practice. I don't really like to be taken out of my own practice to start thinking about someone else. Not like it's not a great learning experience, but mostly, I like practicing yoga so that I can work on being better, at my own pace.

I don't slack, ever. And if a teacher gives me a hard time, it's a pure reminder that that teacher doesn't know a thing about me.

And it makes me sad. Because as a teacher, I don't know a lot of people and I don't know a lot of people, but I know that before I go into a room full of students, I must honor them first, where they are in their moments, where they have just come from and bring to them where I am coming from, that's all.

I can teach what I can teach and they will take what I can give them, but I cannot force them to do anything they are not ready for, whether I think they are ready or not.

If I see a student I know well that is slacking, I would never think they are slacking. I would think they are working through something. It's not my job to tell them otherwise.

It's my job to lead them through a practice as firmly and as gently as I can so that they can experience what THEY need, not what I need.

We, as a people, as a community, are under so much pressure. We have no idea what each others trials are daily.

What I can do as a teacher and as a person is help alleviate the mess surrounding the clarity behind the pressure so that we can live as happily and pressure free as possible. It is not easy. And I do not take the burden all myself.

But I am responsible for helping. That is all. And that is all I expect from my teachers. I do not want to be bullied or burdened into being better than what I can possibly do in that moment. I am doing all I can. I expect that from my students and I expect that from my teachers.

I am saddened that people feel the need to make others feel less than in any way, shape or form. It is only a reflection on them and yet I feel it important to mention that it has effected me because like I wrote, this one teacher is one of my favorites.

I will continue to practice with him because he challenges me in a way that no other teacher does, but I do feel that challenge
and pressure are quite different and that I must differentiate between the two and not let his pressure sway the potential I know my practice has...in my own time.
In my own time, I have been amazed at my progress. No one comments on that!
I know I am getting stronger and better, but I am getting that way because my inner voice is kinder and gentler and much louder than his firm pressure.
If others find that method more beneficial for them, that is great, but I am not that person or that teacher.
I come from the place of encouragement and potential to grow and get better from where you are in your own time.
Not in making jokes or making one feel bad for not being able to hold an arm balance or 'compete.'
I would like to spread the word to teachers and people in general, especially in the yoga community.
Yoga has gotten to the point where, yea, everyone does it. But, it doesn't mean, we are all superior in our poses or even have the drive to be superior and perfect in our poses. Like life. Let us be. Lead us and let us be lead to be.
Teach us and let us learn in our way. That is perfection.
Ah-Ha!
-Laurie

GOD!!!!
And not in vain...
Dear Oprah,
I just saw one of the top five sunsets of all time in my opinion, right here at Santa Monica beach.
My home. I love it. I ran a bunch of miles after being sick for several days. No swine flu, just run down.
So to detoxify myself from days of Tylenol cold and Lifetime movies, I set sail for a nice run along the shore. Within minutes, I was back to my endorphin kicking self. By the end of the hour, I was atop the California incline gazing at a sky that was smeared with small puffs of clouds reflecting colors of pink, orange, red and yellow. I knew it was just moments before the sun would melt into the sea. I stood there at the bluff and stared. A perfect song began on my iPod mini. I turned to look away from the sun to sea an audience of many, looking out at the same thing I was looking at and that's when I saw it...you.
In a peach reflection of perfection, I saw the faces of peace...happiness and bliss.
I saw lovers embrace, friends hold hands, singletons agape at the glory of yet another great performance.
I look to the sun in amazement but I was most moved to look back at us, all of us, together but separate in the reflection of you and the beauty that is created daily.
I'm unbelievably grateful and inspired.
I wondered, dad, are you with me now to realize this? I didn't feel anything but I hoped that he was there with me to see the grandeur of the elements aligned for all of us to see, as we open our eyes to it.
My eyes were open. Thank goodness I wasn't in traffic or working. I was where I was to see the most beautiful sunset. I was where I needed to be.
A scene I can only compare to ones in Hawaii or Bali or Costa Rica and right here, around the corner from my own apartment.
I am so thankful.
And in this season of Thanksgiving.
And in this first season without my dad.
And I am so sad and so very, very happy.
love, love, love,
Laur

Dear Oprah,
The moment. It's here. Then it's gone. But guess what, there's another one. There is always another moment. While you are here, in this life, the moment is what you have.
I've been thinking a lot about love. I've been thinking a lot about moments.
I've been thinking that for as long as I live ambitiously, looking towards the future, looking towards the things that I work so hard for, looking at the list, looking...I am missing...the moments.
I've lost so much this year. But I'm not for want.
I'm not for lack of trying or striving.
Life is moving...so fast. Life.
I am getting into this strange routine of going to bed early and waking up REALLY early and I'm liking it.
Late makes me sad and nostalgic. Early makes me hopeful and energetic. So, go to the hopeful and energetic, I say.
I go to sleep.
I wake up. Everything seems full of promise.
It doesn't matter what I have to do during the day, I know it will be full.
But, when it is still and quiet, that's when I find the love, the dream, the passion, the moment.
I can see things for what they are, pure, untouched, clean.
When I wake up, there is a clean canvas before me.
When I look back, at my day, my life, it is full, of mess and laughter and...so much.
I think, when I am in the moment, that is when I feel full of promise, when I am out of the moment, I see the mess, the terror, the to do's the potential, but also the challenge.
When I am in the moment, I only see what is before me.
It might be fright, but then it's gone. It might be happiness, but then it's gone. But the fleetingness of the moment is so much more manageable than the feelings surrounding what's next and what's past.
I can't control much of what happened in my past. I can learn from it and grow. I can anticipate the future and worry or plan or strive for what I want to play out, but that is exhausting as well.
To be driven is great. To be in the moment is bliss.
To be in the moment, I can take in things that I might not be able to when focussed on things outside of that moment, where I'm going, what I need to do.
To be in the moment, I can actually smell the coffee or flowers bloom, watch the fog as it surrounds the moon.
I can be.
This year, as it round near to a close, I remember how much I hurt. But I also remember how much I healed and grew stronger.
I think about my life and what I work so hard to achieve, love and success.
I think about the moment and then it's gone, to the next one and I wonder, did I waste it or did I live it fully?
To live a moment fully is to live in full happiness.
To be in 'the zone' of your life whether life is dishing you crap or crudite.
Life has been a lot of crap this year. I'm not gonna lie. But sometimes, I am in a moment where I actually question my sanity because I am so happy when I know my life is crap.
I run on the beach and smile from ear to ear, when my dad is ill at home.
I teach a class and feel so complete when I wonder if my bills are going to be paid.
I can give an awesome audition and never get a call back.
I chat with a friend over lunch when I know I go home to be alone when she goes home to her husband and kid.
And I can still feel good when things aren't what they 'should' be for me to be 'happy'.
The thing is...
Your husband will piss you off.
You might not book the role.
You might get a shin splint after your run.
But if you can live love in the moment, with your husband, in your audition, as you run, it is worth all of it to get to the crudite.
Life might be crap, in general, right now, but the moments are what's great.
The moments are what keep me hoping for continued moments of happiness.
I don't know what happiness is.
I don't know if it's supposed to last a week, a month, a year or a lifetime.
All I know is that I've felt a lot of hurt this year. And I feel it so deeply.
But when I have moments of joy, in an early morning run, watching the sunset, listening to the taxi cab drivers chat in front of the Huntley Hotely, listening to the old biddys at the YMCA talk to each other about figuring out facebook, getting up into handstand for even a second, receiving a smile from a stranger on the street, getting asked out by a hot guy in a sweet ride on the streets of Santa Monica, getting a free coffee from the Starbucks Barista, hearing a new song on the radio, getting green lights or clear lanes on the free way, hearing my mom's voice on the phone, especially when she laughs until she pees her pants, watching a funny TV program, connecting with a friend over lunch, trying a new treat or meal, shooting a clever yoga video, preparing a scene for a workshop or audition, hearing a baby laugh, getting a compliment or cheer up from a friend, accomplish something that's scary or intimidating, eating a really good cookie, watching a student overcome her fear, feeling the sun on my skin and watching the fog roll in onto my favorite city, Santa Monica, that is love, that is bliss and that makes it all worth it.
It's worth it.
All the crap.
To get just a moment.
Loving you,
Laurie