Hmmm....

It’s been a month.

I see the signs.

Let's see.

My psychic told me that my 'guardian angels' would be with me when lights in the house went off and on unexpectedly.

Ok, that's never happened. At all. Ever. In my life. But, it's happening, like all the time.

Then, I took one of my dad's caps from home. He wore baseball caps. He went to UConn, the University of Connecticut. Who goes there? No one. No one goes there. It's small. I was running on the beach, wearing my dad's UConn cap and spotted a woman walking her dog. She was wearing a UCONN tee shirt. I pointed to my cap then her. We stopped and chatted. She thought my 'intervals' were unique and crazy and 'how did I learn to do it?' I made it up myself, but her daughter was a senior at UConn and in a sister sorority of my dads. That was way cooler to talk about then my intervals. Are you looking for a trainer?

I had a wonderful day today, taught, went to my favorite teacher's class in Santa Monica, then hit the movies, with my home made 100 calorie delicious popcorn to see Julie and Julia. Blogs and cooking. More about that later.
Then I took a spin class, after purchasing a mildly expensive but worth it pair of trendy on sale shoes on the Promenade...no ones looking...

The teacher says, I hope you don't mind 60's rock. Really? You are gonna play 60's rock in a spin class? Ok, bring it the f on. Then he asks if any of us are wearing heart monitors. Why did I volunteer? He doesn't know, but says he's gonna get me to 90%. I thought, you are gonna need to give me a thief chasing me after I've had two shots of espresso and hit a sale at Barney's to get me there. Good luck my friend. My heart is an overly well-oiled machine that can kick your heart's ass.
He never got me there but played all of my dad's favorite f-ing music in class.
I only burned 200 calories in an hour. Give me a bad dream and I'll burn more, but it was worth hearing my dad's favorites on his...ah, hem...anniversary.

Here it is friends, one month and one week and I'm no closer to not feeling the loss of my goddamn dad.
A man that, all I can think of as being the greatest gift since 70% cacao and skinny lattes.
I love the dang guy and know at this point that it's probably appropriate at this time to remember his faults. Nope. Still worship the man.

And maybe stop remembering all together and start writing like I used to.

I used to be funny. I used to talk about life and yoga and how the both were so important. And here I am, all I am doing is talking about my dang dad...who's not even here, except in my flickering lights apparently. I hope he wasn't watching me the other night while I was alone...watching re-runs of The Soup and doing GOD knows what...trying on the myriad of shoes I've purchased from Zappos with 100% intention of returning.

I do that. You may as well know. I buy things and pretend I'm Heidi Klum or some other Super, walking my wall to wall, quiet and stuck, in tragically expensive digs I've purchased from Chicboutique.com or Netaporter.com (with all intentions of returning.... ok not all of it), listening to unbelievable music I've purchased on iTunes or for free from Rcrdlbl.com and I prance around. I'm not a fat girl anymore. I'm skinny and fit and fabulous and fantastic.... even if I am by myself and the confidence dissipates upon key in lock.

Sometimes I will have a conversation with my mother or friend, in jewelry and clothes that cost more then my rent, just to know what it feels like. It feels f-ing fantastic. Better than I feel after a yoga class. Ok, maybe comparable, but there is something...something about the mystery of it all. It's all here, and then it all goes away. That's life. I love that about life. I don't need much more than that. Sometimes it's the instant gratification. It's better than drugs. Well, I wouldn't know, but if I did.... I would think.... well its all the same thing...instant. And in life, instant doesn't last...ever. But ellipses.... they last a long...................f-ing time!

The UPS people know me by name. If the on-line stores ever knew...well, I do keep a lot of it, but if they knew that sometimes I just buy to FEEEEEL, something.... something...anything then other than what I am feeling....................
They would feel good.
Like charity.
I've just lost my dad.
I lost my boyfriend.
I lost myself somewhere in there, but I know she's there.
I know she's there in the middle of the online orders and the facebook and twitter, and the e-mail updates.
Between overindulgence in chocolate, carbs, wine, she's there. So's my dad. Damn him. He never came to California to visit. Now he has an all access pass wherever, whenever.
Was he there that night I ate the Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis whilst eating baked kettle chips and watching 'I Love You Man' while it was 100 degrees in Santa Monica and I was almost naked in my apartment? I hope you were watchin' over mom then!! Good movie. Good treats. 'Hope not.
I know I am right here. And so is he.
When it's quiet...
And there are no clothes to try on.
I am not hungry.
I don't need anything outside of myself.
I have seen all the movies I want to see on demand and in the theatres.
I have talked or sighed or uh, huhed with all of my friends checking in with me to make sure I'm ok.
I'm here.
I cut my hair after the break up. How cliché.
I joined a choir.
I did stand up comedy.
I signed up for every class imaginable.
Nothing is as real as just being.
I want this.
I want that.
I need to.
I need.
And here I am.........
One year and two months after I lost the two greatest men in my life.

I haven't lost a thing.

The men are gone.

I returned the clothes.

I threw away a lot.

I write.

I wear a ring on my middle finger, left hand, gold, my dad's full name, Richard Bentley Searle and the words, Leave Room...his motto and I am okay. It's a symbol. He loved symbols. I represent and I don't forget.

I watch the sunset.

I still have the best clients and students I can ever hope for.

I love my life.

Of course, you can still keep calling me. Keep reading me. And keep coming to my classes.

I will keep ordering couture and dancing around in my 9x9 box, fake smoking cigarettes while I drink organic wine and eat 70% cacao, stimulating my immediate senses, then coming to my deep senses when I realize.............................................................................................................................................................................................
Everything is yoga.

Everything is time and space and room to breathe and be.

Simple as that.

I wonder sometimes, if I've strayed from the point of my blog.

I initially started this blog as an extension of my classes. Hey, I only have an hour and a half to speak my truth and sometimes, the girl talks a lot, I can't get it all in when I'm givin' students a workout and meditation. Sooooooo, I started this blog to expound on those lessons.

My message has always been, life as you live it and on the mat. You'll often find me chatting about traffic or life circumstances that you can use as fuel in a practice, to help you find the direction you need to make the best life out of your life.

This is definitely something I practice and preach.

But, I ain't no guru.

My life has thrown me some serious, Beyonce curve balls. And it scares the Ganesh out of me.

But without yoga...I don't know.

It's the one thing that anchors me the way no THING can.

Any stimulus that has been and can be and will be sufficient as I mourn, is all well and good, but nothing fills me and makes me happier then knowing I can go to class or arrive at my mat at home and practice what the sages and gurus have practiced for thousands of years.

Be here. Be present. With breath...and you...and move.... and be still...and see...what comes up...what you need to do.... what you need to question.... what you need to work on.... what’s next.

It started as a 'work out' for me. And exercise is my religion. But yoga is my church.

My mom...didn't mean to give me a hard time, but she said to me daily, while I was home, stop running so far.
I ran to the cemetery every day to see my dad. His cemetery was on California Road.
We're both California babies now.

It's always been hard for me to be still, hence yoga, Ashtanga to be precise to force me to be still.

So I ran like hell, every day, to his plot.

10 miles.

In NY.

In August.

I sweat like a mo fo.

But when I got there, I turned the music up...Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd or my favorites.... and I'd stop, and be still and talk to him.

Or not.

And that was my yoga.

And I took Advil every day.

My muscles ached.

I was overworking.

But I didn't care.

I was 'doing' my yoga.

It's what I needed.

Yoga doesn't have to be what we traditionally call 'YOGA'. Whatever yoga is to you is the thing that moves you to a place of stillness. It's the place you find where no outside stimulus can interfere.

However you need to get there, wine, cigarettes, running, yoga postures, chatting, ordering clothes online with every intention of returning them and not getting yourself into debt.... find it. Find what you need to do to move you into a place where peace is within and nothing else is necessary.

I know I don't need to run 10 miles to feel my dad.

I don't need eat, drink or order clothes. Ok, well maybe a little bit.

But what I have is what I need.

I'm not with my family to mourn, but they are a phone call away.

My computer is just a click away and life is happening right now.

Yoga.

I thought I strayed, but it's always been here.

When I need it.

Now, more than ever.

Yoga, whatever it is for you, is always there.

If you are in the midst of a strange time, transition, tragedy, happiness, find the yoga that works for you.

I watched the movie, Julie and Julia today.

The passion for cooking and writing, it was infectious. I was scared. I lost my vision! I never lost that passion. Same path, different story.

I love blogging. It's come so far in so many years.

I have no idea who's reading. Whoever you are. I hope you love life like I do, despite whatever fucked up things come your way and despite the fact that I talk YOGA all the time, I hope you know that yoga is what's in your heart. You can find it in class, but you can find in making a meal, talking to a loved one or reading a book.

Yoga is anything where you feel connected and grounded to peace and the world around you.

That's my message. I was scared I strayed because of what's been going on with me.

But it's never left me.

Verbose as usual,

Om shanti,

Lokah Samastha Sukinoh, bhavantu,

Jai mai,

Leave room,

Yours,

Laur