Dear Oprah,

I am so grateful, don't get me wrong, but there is a part of me that is frightened. I work everyday. The pendulum has swung back from the beginning of the year where the bank account was barren. Now I'm filled with opportunity and if I say no, the pendulum might swing back. So I take what I can get and it makes me wonder. My mind wanders.

I'm so very tired. And yet, I have more energy than I've had in years because when I wake up, I know I do what I love.

On my walk home from the studio the other night, the third 14 hour day in a row, I felt peaceful, balanced, and, well, maybe a bit slap happy from the lack of sleep. But, I had good music for my soundtrack home. It was late night, quiet, dark. I was tired, exhausted.
I thought, where am I supposed to be?
Then I felt a gentle foggy sea breeze and I could feel my dad with me.
I don't know what I pictured my life to look like at this age or any age. I think I just always appreciated that I had colors to chose from and crisp canvas to create... and the freedom.

Crossing California and 2nd St., two blocks from home and sleep, I thought about how funny it was that my dad is buried on California Street in New York. He went into debt to take the family to California when I was 10 years old. That's when I fell in love with California.
I don't think I could ever leave California because I think a part of my dad is always here.
Just then, I kind of got it. Death, that is.
I have the vision of life like a light, a candle, slowly beginning to wind down and burn out.
Have you ever witnessed a candle go from a tall, robust and strong flame to a tiny, wiggly and weak bud atop the wax, till nothing?

It has a process of slowing down and burning hesitantly until finally it makes it choice into darkness. It's kind of sad and sweet.

I think about my dad.

I think about my 14 hour day.

I think about plans and how very bad I am at making them.

I think about how all that doesn't matter, because as I walk home at 10PM after working all day and getting very little sleep, I'm still a strong robust flame.

When my dad passed away, I could feel his weak little light burn out allowing the candles around him burn brighter. He infused us (my family) with what he had left so that we could shine with bright, radiant energy. I feel that. Everyday.

So, as I walk home and think about my life. I could be somewhere else, I could have more - sleep, money, success, but I'm so very glad and grateful to be right here.

light and bright,

Laurie