Ow!!

Bad yogi...

You should no better.

But alas, I'm the little yogi that could.

And I'm out there every day makin' mistakes and bringin' the lessons to the mat to learn from...for the both of us.

Have you ever committed to something and then regretted it?

Have you ever committed to something in confidence then were sluggish to commit to it in the long run?

A party, a class, a workshop, a date, an engagement of any sort that gets you out of what you are doing and into something else?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for me, I have a problem over committing. I'm a yes girl. A middle child. A people pleaser first then a me pleaser second or third.

I have no problem being still. I looooove it. But it's rare. Even as a yoga teacher. For me, it is rare to be in stillness.

But when I am, I'm like a dog on a rug, rubbin' it's back with it's four legs in the air and tongue hangin' out.

Nice visual, huh?

Most of the time, I'm in motion. I get so used to it that it makes it a commitment to engage in stillness.

When I came back from NY after the holidays and dealt with the move, the car problems, the break up, the transition of the economy and lastly, the ill health of my father, far away while I was trying to make my life happen here, I struggled with commitment.

Do I?
Do I let things go in case I need to fly home at the drop of a hat and be there, physically, for my family.
I didn't realize that I could be 'here', 'there' for my family while still living and working in LA.
So, I decided to commit. To everything and anything I could. I signed up for every class, workshop, everything to fill my time.

Then I sat in the overwhelming decisions of the time AND money I had given away to learn more, be more, give more.

And I was exhausted.

It didn't seem to matter what it was, as long as it was new and kept me occupied.

I didn't realize that what I needed, more than anything, was not to fill my time with things to distract myself from what was going on in my life. I needed to be IN my life, fully with whatever life was going to give me without signing up for more.

Case in point.
I have been working on something for the past month that I have been passionate about but not fully present in. Instead of letting it go, I kept pressing on, full force even though I was not where I wanted to be.

In my daily life, I am present, my teaching, socializing, studies and meditation. Add the daily obligations, the blogging, podcasting of classes and a few other things that mean a lot to me, my life is full.

To add more to that life only to be half there is not good for me and the others involved.

It took me one full month to let it go. I was back and forth, sad I couldn't finish what I started but depleted knowing I couldn't be there in the ways I wanted to be.

This is also not the first time I have been conflicted like this. I'm a serial committer.

It's important to chose wisely the things you want to engage your time in.
Time is like money.
And when one thinks like this, it is easier to see that time is just as valuable as cash, in ANY economy we are given.
That said, we really have to think before we commit.
Being impulsive aside, committing time, like an investment not like a pair of shoes (although for some, shoes are an investment), is something that needs serious time and contemplation before deciding.
This could even mean the ump-teenth birthday party, shower - bridal or baby, play, screening etc.
Supporting friends is important. REALLY important, but supporting yourself is equally important.
Weighing the importance of an event to your needs is valid.

In terms of my situation...
When I sent a simple e-mail, withdrawing from the obligation, I was met with such great respect and admiration that it supported my decision even more. It fueled the decision and made in concrete and real and most importantly, right.
I wasn't sure. Now, I was sure. What was I afraid of? I wasn't letting anyone down. I was giving myself an opportunity to stay up!

I'm a big believer in meditating on a choice living in full reality of your decisions either way, doing or not doing something. Whatever feels the best, when meditating and living with both choices, that is the choice you should make.

I knew what I was supposed to do weeks ago, but I exhausted myself in TRYING to do it all.

You can do it all, but be wise about the all you chose.

I do a lot and should be happy and present in all of it. Adding more, will only dampen the fire and the light that I bring to all that I do. The same goes for you.

Don't overload yourself because you don't want to let someone down.

When you say yes to yourself, you will be saying yes to more things than you end up saying no to now and then.

Make sense?

If it doesn't, read it over a few times till it does.

Still doesn't make sense?

Have a glass of wine.

Does it make sense now?

Just kidding.

Taking the time for yourself, whatever amount of time it is, will allow you more time to commit to the things you want to fully commit to. It won't let in all of the 'other' thing you 'could' commit to.

When we are already overloaded, it's just habit to take more on. We are already in the zone.
Start withdrawing from the extraneous and get back to the original you. Find it in your family, your gardening, your cooking, your yoga. Find it. All the other things will find you eventually, but you will be in a place of 'you' so you can commit to 'them'.

A few weeks ago I did the flying trapeze at the Santa Monica Pier. It seemed scary at first. But let me tell you, for me, the flying and swinging wasn't the hard part. The climb up the ladder and waiting wasn't even hard.
When the trainer told me to let go of the bar so I could fall into the net...that was the hard part for me.

I had already done the work, worked through the fear. All I had to do was let go of the bar. I was done! And I couldn't do it. I swung, swang, swinged, whatever for a full thirty seconds before I let my grip loosen from the bar and let my body fall where it wanted to on a net that was there to catch me.

It will always be there to catch you.

The net.

i.e. you.

You will always be the gauge, the net, the pedometer. You will always be the one that tells you when you have over committed. You will always be the one to say yes, and no. No trainer or teacher can tell you.

It is up to you to decide what it is you want to do with your time.
When you know, you know.

It's the indecision that hurts.
There is never support there.

When I made the decision, I couldn't believe it.
I could breathe deeper.
I could sleep sounder.
I felt like I had more energy. I felt free and happy.
I had let go.
And I was there to catch me in my decision.
And it's free!
In more ways than one.
Be good to yourselves.
Call your mother.
Drink lots of water.
Om Shanti,
Laurie