Dear Oprah,
The moment. It's here. Then it's gone. But guess what, there's another one. There is always another moment. While you are here, in this life, the moment is what you have.
I've been thinking a lot about love. I've been thinking a lot about moments.
I've been thinking that for as long as I live ambitiously, looking towards the future, looking towards the things that I work so hard for, looking at the list, looking...I am missing...the moments.
I've lost so much this year. But I'm not for want.
I'm not for lack of trying or striving.
Life is moving...so fast. Life.
I am getting into this strange routine of going to bed early and waking up REALLY early and I'm liking it.
Late makes me sad and nostalgic. Early makes me hopeful and energetic. So, go to the hopeful and energetic, I say.
I go to sleep.
I wake up. Everything seems full of promise.
It doesn't matter what I have to do during the day, I know it will be full.
But, when it is still and quiet, that's when I find the love, the dream, the passion, the moment.
I can see things for what they are, pure, untouched, clean.
When I wake up, there is a clean canvas before me.
When I look back, at my day, my life, it is full, of mess and laughter and...so much.
I think, when I am in the moment, that is when I feel full of promise, when I am out of the moment, I see the mess, the terror, the to do's the potential, but also the challenge.
When I am in the moment, I only see what is before me.
It might be fright, but then it's gone. It might be happiness, but then it's gone. But the fleetingness of the moment is so much more manageable than the feelings surrounding what's next and what's past.
I can't control much of what happened in my past. I can learn from it and grow. I can anticipate the future and worry or plan or strive for what I want to play out, but that is exhausting as well.
To be driven is great. To be in the moment is bliss.
To be in the moment, I can take in things that I might not be able to when focussed on things outside of that moment, where I'm going, what I need to do.
To be in the moment, I can actually smell the coffee or flowers bloom, watch the fog as it surrounds the moon.
I can be.
This year, as it round near to a close, I remember how much I hurt. But I also remember how much I healed and grew stronger.
I think about my life and what I work so hard to achieve, love and success.
I think about the moment and then it's gone, to the next one and I wonder, did I waste it or did I live it fully?
To live a moment fully is to live in full happiness.
To be in 'the zone' of your life whether life is dishing you crap or crudite.
Life has been a lot of crap this year. I'm not gonna lie. But sometimes, I am in a moment where I actually question my sanity because I am so happy when I know my life is crap.
I run on the beach and smile from ear to ear, when my dad is ill at home.
I teach a class and feel so complete when I wonder if my bills are going to be paid.
I can give an awesome audition and never get a call back.
I chat with a friend over lunch when I know I go home to be alone when she goes home to her husband and kid.
And I can still feel good when things aren't what they 'should' be for me to be 'happy'.
The thing is...
Your husband will piss you off.
You might not book the role.
You might get a shin splint after your run.
But if you can live love in the moment, with your husband, in your audition, as you run, it is worth all of it to get to the crudite.
Life might be crap, in general, right now, but the moments are what's great.
The moments are what keep me hoping for continued moments of happiness.
I don't know what happiness is.
I don't know if it's supposed to last a week, a month, a year or a lifetime.
All I know is that I've felt a lot of hurt this year. And I feel it so deeply.
But when I have moments of joy, in an early morning run, watching the sunset, listening to the taxi cab drivers chat in front of the Huntley Hotely, listening to the old biddys at the YMCA talk to each other about figuring out facebook, getting up into handstand for even a second, receiving a smile from a stranger on the street, getting asked out by a hot guy in a sweet ride on the streets of Santa Monica, getting a free coffee from the Starbucks Barista, hearing a new song on the radio, getting green lights or clear lanes on the free way, hearing my mom's voice on the phone, especially when she laughs until she pees her pants, watching a funny TV program, connecting with a friend over lunch, trying a new treat or meal, shooting a clever yoga video, preparing a scene for a workshop or audition, hearing a baby laugh, getting a compliment or cheer up from a friend, accomplish something that's scary or intimidating, eating a really good cookie, watching a student overcome her fear, feeling the sun on my skin and watching the fog roll in onto my favorite city, Santa Monica, that is love, that is bliss and that makes it all worth it.
It's worth it.
All the crap.
To get just a moment.
Loving you,
Laurie