Yea, I said it. I tried to keep quiet about it for a while but as a teacher, and one that tries to be accessible to all types of people, I think it is important to share however much is humanly possible all the good...and not so good. What kind of teacher would I be if I only shared all of the great insight I received from being in a good place in my life?
I remember the old days, looking up to my yoga teachers and thinking, they never have any problems. They are always at peace and this is how I want to be. How, do they do it?!?!
After being in the yoga community as long as I have, I see this isn't always the case. They are all human. We have good days and bad days and sometimes good 'times' i.e. months, seasons, years and bad 'times' i.e. you got the idea.
I so happen to be in the ebb side of the ebb and flow.
If it wasn't for my ability to go out there and teach y'all (and I'm not even southern), it would be even worse. But even in the hell that I am living, I have the gift to teach so many people. And for that, I am always grateful and baskin' in all y’alls light.
I also have this blog. God love it, for my ability to flesh out and share in words, the lessons I teach and need to learn for myself.
If only downward dog was my only freekin' problem.
Besides splitting with my boyfriend of eight years, which feels more like a limb being torn off and the sadness of how it ended, the return of an old love that is married and unattainable, the strange miss-diagnosis''''' of certain health issues causing a strain on my day to day with a looming and invasive surgery as my 'only' possible reprieve, every single bit of electronic equipment breaking and needing to be replaced or upgraded or discussed with at length with various customer service representatives not of this land for hours at end, identity theft on two of my only banking cards, a working relationship with someone that ended badly no matter how hard I tried to rectify our issues peacefully, I also have to move.
Moving sucks, period.
I despise the whole Craig's list, Westside Rental, credit check, application fee, viewing of hell holes to find that 'perfect' match and/or home that I want to make for myself.
I used to like moving. Trying out different areas of town etc. Now, I've become elitist (not really), snotty about where I live. Maybe it’s an age thing ‘cause I now know where 'not' to live, for me, that is.
I've lived in some major cities, NY, Boston, Shanghai, LA and all its nooks. I've visited some swanky cities that I can see myself living in Paris, London, Madrid, Florence, Toronto, Ubud and San Francisco. Not to mention all the cities I visited that I could never in a million years see myself living in. We shall keep them nameless.
Santa Monica might very well be my very super favorite place to be. I would never leave my apartment unless it was to visit the love of my life, the sun on the esplanade beneath the California incline. It doesn’t matter how many times I go there, I am always amazed and moved by its beauty.
To be more specific as to my super favorite place to be, north of Wilshire, between Ocean and 26thth, south of San Vicente. Even more specifically, Montana Avenue. Despite the slow driving on that street, I love, applaud, smile and cheer, every time I round the corner from this or that street, toward Montana and back home. I breathe deeper and feel the sense of being loved even though I know no one on that street. It's just home (besides NY where my fam is).
If there were a longitudinal/latitudinal definitive place for Laurie Searle to live permanently, it would be right dang here on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica. Even hearing someone is from the state of Montana gives me chills of delight.
And so, I'm putting in to the universe that I MUST reside here, in this economy and not be strained financially. I WILL call this place home, no matter how far I have to drive for anything.
I will be able to live here in SM, even if it's not Montana, and still be able to shop at Whole Foods (really just for their Turkey Jerky - which is expensive but the best and yummiest snack for me on the go).
Over the next four weeks, my health 'things' need to be rectified. As of the New Year, that means a new deductible and an even less possibility that I will have the surgery I need to make me better. It will already cost a fortune but less of a fortune before '09.
I will need to find and put a deposit down and move into a divine place.
I must sell most of my furniture because I'm lookin' for singles and studios, people. Any one needs an armoire from Bali? I have pictures.
I will need to keep traveling to Long Beach to see my doc for further testing before the looming, surgery thing.
I will have to return back to NY for the holidays and attempt to buy presents for my family or make presents for them out of macaroni and construction paper.
I need to update and manage my ewishingwell.org site that was disabled when I lost my computer.
I have to pay off my new computer so I don’t accrue any debt. I’m proud not to have much debt and wanna keep it that way and live in Santa Monica.
If everything can be done before the stroke of midnight on Jan. 1, 2009, I can return to LA and breathe a sigh of relief and settle in.
Maybe I will also receive a pair of glass manolos and a prince on a white horse.
We can dream.
Sounds easy enough, in theory. Or maybe it sounds deafening to some. Really, it's just a super size laundry list of backbreaking things to take care of.
SO, I need to haul ass as the clock is ticking.
There are about ten other things I need to get done before then, but really, if you are reading this far it will just become a rant.
This isn't that kind of blog.
I was talking in my class today as well as with a teacher friend of mine that there is nothing like a crisis to put your life and priorities into perspective.
The only other time, I really felt this deeply was when my dad fell ill two years ago. Clients, work, friends, priorities, the list of things to do, quickly found its place and I attended to the most important thing, my dad and my family.
Everything worked out fine. And, my dad is well, beating Cancer twice since then.
I look at my situation right now and by no means think it’s the worst ever and that others aren't dealing with waaaaay more than I. For me though, this is pretty f-ing bad and I'm just sayin'.
But here's the deal/lesson:
How can we deal, peacefully with the chaos around us, the same way we would, when things are not so bad?
My doctor suggested an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant to relieve me during this time. Perhaps sleeping pills as I am often up nights with worry or tension. What a cocktail! And not the good, yummy kind.
You have to try a bunch of meds for the right fit and then there are the side effects of taking a medication and the withdrawal or potential addiction to some.
I stopped it there.
I've tried acupuncture, massage, yoga, meditation, therapy and herbs to keep me balanced and aligned. They work when things are good and not so good. They are not working for me now.
Once my doctor had offered the above to 'get through', that's when I realized....
And that's when the shift happened.
As a teacher…of yoga…I cannot take something that alters my behavior and reality so that I can’t teach from a place of purity, cleanliness and being in the present. I feel these ‘meds’ would do that.
It that is my option, then I have to change my reality the old fashioned way.
I can choose to be down in the dumps about it, sad about it, worried about it, self-destruct or self-medicate. Lord knows that WOULD have been what I did, in the past.
Or I can choose and easy route. Some drugs sound nice, for a time, to take the edge off.
But that's not me.
I'm not saying anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds are bad. Don't think I'm goin' all Tom Cruise on you.
They work for many people in short and long term care in addition to meditation and yoga and whatever else gives you the peace of mind to be well.
So what is the other alternative?
Deal with it.
When I realized that this was the road I was going to go down, I looked at the chaos around me and it changed.
Yes there is a famous quote about that very thing. I've heard it and said it but here it is.
When you change the way you look at things, the things around you change.
Things suck. Right now.
So I brace myself for the right now and look forward to a peaceful more balanced time in the future. It’s so close that I know it’s ok to have these feelings of sadness, worry, despair, and fear. It’s ok, to be down, slightly negative, lonely and anti-social.
All feelings need to be felt. If they aren’t FELT, if they are pushed aside and not dealt with head on, they will return to you in another lesson to be learned.
Deal with it now so you can deal better for when things turn downward again. And they will, right after a good spell.
If we didn’t have these bad spells of challenge and fright, we wouldn’t know how to enjoy what is really good when it happens.
Things aren’t happening TO you, they are always happening for you.
At least this is my new realization.
I’m inspired by the fact that things suck, right now.
It is fueling me and preparing me so that when my students or loved ones are going through a rough patch, I can counsel them the way I do for myself.
To be honest, it was easier to put a Band-Aid on the rough times by escaping. But escaping keeps coming back to haunt you in other lessons and challenges. Deal with things head on, no matter how difficult and seemingly unmanageable. It will get better.
And I’m actually saying this from a bottom like place of darkness where I am covered in mud. And still, all I can see is light up top. It’s so close.
I have a delicious teacher picking up my classes at the studio and the clinic that I teach at. I'm so lucky to have someone I trust, that is good and that will be committed to being on my team and teaching the students I hold so dear to me during this rough time.
I applied for some apartments and I'm not going to waste my time looking something ‘better’.
I'm going to trust that even in this economy, I will be able to afford the time and money to continue seeing my doctor and do whatever he thinks is necessary to get well (besides drugs).
I'm enlisting my friends and family to help me, as an ear and as a hug, as I need to work through this BS.
I'm finally asking for help.
Isolating and doing it alone was my response to hard times. For the most part, no one ever knew when I was having a rough patch because I wouldn’t share.
Something that was so uncomfortable for me has become necessary.
We are ALL in this together, good and bad.
As a teacher, I think it’s imperative to reiterate how important it is to reach out for support, make the choices and do the things that make you feel good during the difficult times. Take care of yourself first, and foremost, so that you will have the energy and clarity to take care of the things outside of yourself. Whatever it takes.
So, I will be retreating a bit. Taking the time to take care of the business I need to get through this time. Part of that is blogging.
If you got to the end of this one, thank you.
Hey, if you logged on to this blog, thank you.
I’m here for you too.
Be good to yourself, drink lots of water and call your mother.