Monthly Archives: October 2009

Resistance training…

Dear Oprah,

I work really hard. Sometimes too hard.
When you put yourself out there in the ways that we do...and I'm not sayin' I'm like you but I put myself out there, you put yourself in a position to receive both positive and negative energy.
I'm tired. And as I was reminded today from my mother, I'm still mourning.
So, I'm going to stop.
Stop working so hard.
I like my life. I work very hard and have what I need. I want more. Don't we all?
But I'm not going to look too far from what I already have, which is enough, to stimulate my creativity and fuel my fire.
Everything I'm doing right now is good enough. I say this to myself and I write this to you and anyone else who reads, besides my mother because this is an important lesson.
We ALWAYS want more than what we have.
I don't know what it is about our nature.
As of late, the signs are telling me that I must retreat.
Havin' a few bad 'yogic' experiences with 'yogis' and studios in my favorite land, Santa Monica.
And so, I must stop fighting so hard for things that are out of my control and just enjoy the life I have that is in my control. I put forth the energy I need to feel good and produce good work that can benefit as many people as I can. The rest, well, is the rest.
Feeling small is easy. It's feeling great with what I'm doing in a city that is so big with a lot of people trying to do the same that is difficult. Instead of fighting to be seen and common being a middle child, guffaw, I am going to set an intention that the work that I put forth will be enough for what I need, want to achieve and want to create for others. It might be small but it is enough.
Resisting that is foolish. I'm not you. I'm not the great Oprah. I'm just the great Laurie and not a ton of people know that I'm great. I just know that what I do is great enough for what and who is around me. And I will keep surrounding myself with people who are great, so that they might rub a little bit of that off on me to share with others.
I wish it could be more but I have to be content where I am and not look outside where I already am to feel great.
I love teaching, but sometimes I need to teach myself what is important. Unlike many of my blogs, I guess this one is more for me than anyone else.
Because, well, I've been hurt. I've put myself out there and there are not so great people out there that have just plain slashed me down. They want this. They feel good doing this. Even yogis. And that's okay, for them. Yoga has been weird for me lately, like business. I've lost a lot about why I 'do' yoga and why I 'teach' yoga.
It's because I love yoga and love Santa Monica so much that I thought it would be an easy feat for me to achieve teaching here that has knocked me down a notch.
I am not naive but I'm a little more enlightened to the fact that yoga, for a lot of people, especially in this beautiful place I call home, is a business. It is not yoga in the traditional sense of the word. When I go in and teach, I remember who I am and where I came from. I can channel the great idea of it's history.
I don't think about money and business. Too many people on this side of town do.
So, for lack of better words...fuck them. I want MY yoga back, so that I can continue to share it with others. Fuck what they are doing. What they are doing is the bank I worked at in NYC. The temp job I had in Beverly Hills. It's flourescent lighting and direct deposit. It's two weeks vacation and too much taken out for fica. Fuck you.
Love ya!
I still love Yoga and I still love Santa Monica. But for right now, the two don't combine for me. It's oil and water.
And I'm glad I don't have to think too hard about where my money comes from. It comes from doing good. When it comes from a bad place, that's when it gets sticky. So, I have learned my lesson. And I will avoid. And I will not put myself 'out there' in the places where things get sticky. I am so grateful for the yogis I have in my life. They are where I teach and where I practice. I don't know what everyone else is doing. I've experienced it now and will avoid it.
I'm venting. I'm not resisting. I'm letting go. Letting go of the ideas I had about this work. That it is all good. Because with everything, there is good and bad. And I have now experienced the 'bad' people and things involved in yoga. It makes me sad, but it empowers me all the more to keep doing good where I am.
No resistance.
A new practice. A new yoga.
No more feeling bad or swearing.
Much love,

Intention and gratitude…

Dear Oprah,

I know I've mentioned before but I have two friends for whom one, at the beginning of the day, I set an intention with and another for which at the end of the day we write 5 things for which we are grateful for. This is a great practice. Sometimes, I reach for things I want to keep myself in tune with throughout the day and things I am grateful for at the end of the day.

Sometimes it is effortless. Sometimes, it's like doing a paper or book report at the 11th hour and having nothing to say, I have to find...something.

Everyday is different and every day has it's set of inspiration and setbacks.

Today, I have not much to share or say. I'm not much inspired or set back. I just am.

I'm not one to just be and certainly never bored. But today, I did my job, did my work, had some fun, enjoyed my life and didn't. I did, I was and I came home.

I blog often. Mostly with something to say. Today, I think it's interesting. Because, I haven't much to say. And even with that, I think it's important to share that even the most uneventful day can be something to report.

There was nothing today that would make the papers, even if I were a celebrity.

There are people in my life that are often mystified by how I spend my time. They know that I am on the road, to and from classes, private sessions, auditions, a lunch with a friend, a workout. This is my life. Today, it is uneventful.

I worked. And my students inspire me, continuously, and then I move on, as they do, to the next thing. I am high, and then I am low. Then I am.

I shared with a friend today about how I went running on the beach.

It was flat sand, clear skies, crisp cool fall air in Santa Monica. I was listening to a new album, by One Eskimo. It was bliss. I said inside myself, this is perfect. This is life in perfection. This is all I need. This is bliss.

And I thought, I had a full day of work, teaching, an audition, a lunch with an old friend I haven't seen in many years.

I come home to perfection. My new cat. Order. Things to do, but nothing pressing.

I am.


And I feel....

So...alone and sad.

This is nothing to be quite sad about. This is just, what it is. You can't help what you feel. And so it is written.

The friend I met with, I discussed some things, one of which included the passing of my dad just two months ago. It was the first time I talked about it and didn't get emotional.

That was good, for me.

And yet, I feel, I am not done. Whatever is happening is not done.

Perhaps it's mourning. Perhaps it's simply the transition of seasons.

Many people I speak with now are feeling that sort of melancholy feeling of sadness.

If you lived on the east coast, you'd have a would see it.

The passing of summer to fall is a passing. It's a death. It's a moving on.

The trees shed. Leaves fall and die. Earth prepares as we do for hibernation if you will in order for it to grow and transcend.

We don't see it so much on the west coast but we feel it as much as the earth beneath us and our surrounding beg for transition. We feel it and sense it and prepare for it.

We are, shedding. Letting go and letting time pass around us so that we can continue to grow in the way that we need to.

When we see it on the east coast, it is an allowance, a permission to feel the same. Fashion magazines prepare us with the happiness of new clothes and colors we can wear.

On the west coast, we can do the same but we are truly, less prepared. We might have a cold day of 60 degrees and we can wear tights and knee high boots, then drive to the valley and it's a hot 80 degrees. Tights aren't workin' and flip-flops just feel sad. We are blessed with sunshine year round, but it can mess with our internal messages that tell us to shed, hide, layer! Shed time and seasons, experiences and emotions, turn inward and contemplate as we transition to wintertime.

We are lucky, I don't deny. But there is little room for us to allow ourselves in such beauty, to retreat. To turn orange and red, to fall and turn inwards. To retreat and contemplate. To wear tights and feel blue.

I named my cat Lady Nyla.

It was hard for me to commit to a name for my cat. I knew that it was difficult for me to even commit to owning a cat. Even saying I own a cat seems weird. 'Cause I feel like she owns me. All I know is that I'm committed now. I thought to myself the other day, I will have this cat when I'm in my 40's, when I'm married, if I have a kid. The thought of having anything last that long, scared the crap out of me. I haven't done anything that long.

She really likes Lady Gaga. She also likes Miley Cyrus. But I love NY and LA and my heart is in both places and now this little kitty soul, so, Lady NYLA.

I think that might be why I'm a bit melancholy. That and the above.

I don't know why and then I do. I have nothing to complain about but there is always something to complain about.

I have my cat, my health, and a great job in a continuously unstable economy.

And, I am sad.

In a time where most people become a bit sad and it is very common, I am not alone.

But I live in LA, where there is no excuse to be sad.

So I write, where there is always an excuse to feel any way I want.

And I set my intention at the beginning of each day and my gratitude list at the end of the day.

I have great friends I can do this with.

And a great life.

And I can still feel down and alone.

But I feel. And for that, I am happy...and sad.

So there. Be thankful Oprah, because I called my cat Oprah for a couple of days, then I thought it would be a conflict of interest. I didn't want people to think I was writing my cat everyday. That would be weird. But writing you everyday...not weird at all.


I blog. And it is written.

Be happy or sad. It is time to be whatever you would like and no one will give you a hard time.

Because the air around you and the leaves and the trees, they all feel the same. And the people, they do to.

But if you don the right trench and belted LBD, all is right in the world. You are of the time. And the time is changing before our eyes.



Everything tastes better with cat hair on it…

Dear Oprah,

I toooootally get it now! Where the heck have I been without a cat. More importantly, this cat, whose name has been Satya, Peanut, NyLa, Miley, Glee, Lucky and Smokey. I still can't settle on a name. She favored Oprah but I thought that would be a conflict of interest and that people would think that I was writing to my cat daily and not the one and only, true Oprah.
So, today she is NyLa for New York and LA. My heart is in both places and now, I share my heart with her.
I'm a girl whose allergic to cats and got a horrible cold/allergy the other day. I never prayed so much that it was a cold. I was excited that I got a fever and chills as I knew it was not a reaction to kitty but just a virus. Yea, sickness! Not allergic to kitty.
She was hiding for such a short period of time.
I took her to the vet to get fixed and get her shots and check up.
The vet was an altogether different blog. There were cat people and dog people. The cat people looked like their cats and the dog people, well they looked like their dogs. They all talked to their animals and I did the same. I always wondered about these folk. Now I'm one of 'em!
I talk to my cat like she's a person.
I talk about my cat. I send pictures. I send those crazy e-mail forwards with cat and dog references. I'm one of 'them' now.
I'm part of the club. I have cutesy cat stickers on my fridge. No I don't. Yes I do!!
I have a cattitude!
She follows me around.
She greets me when I come home.
She snuggles with me when I go to bed, right under my arm or between my legs, like a freekin' stuffed animal.
I get it!
I totally get it.
She is love. All love and I knew I felt it, but now I really feel it.
I see life differently through my freekin' cat.
This cat is informing my teaching.
This cat is bliss.
This cat has been such a gift.
I still get icked out with the litter box and strange smells and the hair...oy, the hair.
It always freaked me out when cat people allowed their cats to 'be' all over the place. I walk around with a lint roller everywhere, but then I roll around with her and I don't care!
I come home and usually it's back to work or off to a work out, but now I pause. I play.
I snuggle. I take a little time to just be...with the freekin' cat and I'm so happy.
My client this morning asked me how I was doing. I said, great!!
She was like, something happened. Are you in love?
I said, I guess so. I guess, whatever she is doing for me is working. I have the kitty love glow.
I was so nervous to do this. So nervous to commit. To love something and take care of it. To have something rely on me.
It hasn't even been a week and I hope it doesn't get old. I can't imagine having someone dote on you ever getting old.
I understand and I'm so grateful for all beings and all creatures supporting each other in this crazy world.
When I found a cat hair in my coffee this morning, I picked it out and continued to drink.
I get it now. When you love something, a little hair doesn't bother you.
And now I get it in life. Everything, if you really love it, tastes better with cat hair on it.