I work really hard. Sometimes too hard.
When you put yourself out there in the ways that we do...and I'm not sayin' I'm like you but I put myself out there, you put yourself in a position to receive both positive and negative energy.
I'm tired. And as I was reminded today from my mother, I'm still mourning.
So, I'm going to stop.
Stop working so hard.
I like my life. I work very hard and have what I need. I want more. Don't we all?
But I'm not going to look too far from what I already have, which is enough, to stimulate my creativity and fuel my fire.
Everything I'm doing right now is good enough. I say this to myself and I write this to you and anyone else who reads, besides my mother because this is an important lesson.
We ALWAYS want more than what we have.
I don't know what it is about our nature.
As of late, the signs are telling me that I must retreat.
Havin' a few bad 'yogic' experiences with 'yogis' and studios in my favorite land, Santa Monica.
And so, I must stop fighting so hard for things that are out of my control and just enjoy the life I have that is in my control. I put forth the energy I need to feel good and produce good work that can benefit as many people as I can. The rest, well, is the rest.
Feeling small is easy. It's feeling great with what I'm doing in a city that is so big with a lot of people trying to do the same that is difficult. Instead of fighting to be seen and heard...so common being a middle child, guffaw, I am going to set an intention that the work that I put forth will be enough for what I need, want to achieve and want to create for others. It might be small but it is enough.
Resisting that is foolish. I'm not you. I'm not the great Oprah. I'm just the great Laurie and not a ton of people know that I'm great. I just know that what I do is great enough for what and who is around me. And I will keep surrounding myself with people who are great, so that they might rub a little bit of that off on me to share with others.
I wish it could be more but I have to be content where I am and not look outside where I already am to feel great.
I love teaching, but sometimes I need to teach myself what is important. Unlike many of my blogs, I guess this one is more for me than anyone else.
Because, well, I've been hurt. I've put myself out there and there are not so great people out there that have just plain slashed me down. They want this. They feel good doing this. Even yogis. And that's okay, for them. Yoga has been weird for me lately, like business. I've lost a lot about why I 'do' yoga and why I 'teach' yoga.
It's because I love yoga and love Santa Monica so much that I thought it would be an easy feat for me to achieve teaching here that has knocked me down a notch.
I am not naive but I'm a little more enlightened to the fact that yoga, for a lot of people, especially in this beautiful place I call home, is a business. It is not yoga in the traditional sense of the word. When I go in and teach, I remember who I am and where I came from. I can channel the great idea of it's history.
I don't think about money and business. Too many people on this side of town do.
So, for lack of better words...fuck them. I want MY yoga back, so that I can continue to share it with others. Fuck what they are doing. What they are doing is the bank I worked at in NYC. The temp job I had in Beverly Hills. It's flourescent lighting and direct deposit. It's two weeks vacation and too much taken out for fica. Fuck you.
I still love Yoga and I still love Santa Monica. But for right now, the two don't combine for me. It's oil and water.
And I'm glad I don't have to think too hard about where my money comes from. It comes from doing good. When it comes from a bad place, that's when it gets sticky. So, I have learned my lesson. And I will avoid. And I will not put myself 'out there' in the places where things get sticky. I am so grateful for the yogis I have in my life. They are where I teach and where I practice. I don't know what everyone else is doing. I've experienced it now and will avoid it.
I'm venting. I'm not resisting. I'm letting go. Letting go of the ideas I had about this work. That it is all good. Because with everything, there is good and bad. And I have now experienced the 'bad' people and things involved in yoga. It makes me sad, but it empowers me all the more to keep doing good where I am.
A new practice. A new yoga.
No more feeling bad or swearing.